Becoming Self-Aware

MY STRENGTHS
possess integrity; physically strong; able to focus; memorize easily; good cook; pretty good mom; good wife; have a nice voice; physically different-looking; don't give up easily (except when it comes to weight loss!); easy to talk to; good listener; able to keep confidences; good friend; write well; creative; hard worker; dependable; smart; open-minded; intelligent; good at making others feel good; like to try new things; willing to accept blame; can be slow to anger

MY WEAKNESSES
ice cream; can become impatient, quickly; get grumpy when I'm hungry; easily tire; not fit; don't enjoy physical challenges; weak physically; can be quick to anger; let others take advantage of me; don't always speak my mind or air my concerns; don't like to be uncomfortable; feel badly about myself when my physical appearance isn't ideal; stay up too late

WHAT MOTIVATES ME
feeling good when I do something; praise; support; reading of others' success; seeing someone overcoming challenges with which I also struggle

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF
being tall; my family - my children and husband; my voice; my creativity; my taste; that I am dependable and trustworthy; physically - my eyes, my toes, my teeth, my ankles, my legs (when I'm thin); my friends; not having a lot of facial wrinkles

WHAT I DISLIKE ABOUT MYSELF
being tall; my thin hair; my skin; my torso; my nails; how easily I become tired; the "default" expression on my face; my big feet; urticaria; that I can become angry and impatient; that I frequently feel lazy; being fat; facial scars

WHAT I CAN CHANGE
my weight, my hairstyle, my lack of patience, most of my appearance, my hormones (to some extent since being fat makes me produce more estrogen)

WHAT I CANNOT CHANGE
being tall, having big feet, my hormones (to some extent)

DO I HAVE CONTROL OR AM I A VICTIM OF LIFE'S CIRCUMSTANCES
I have control over most of my physical circumstances. I am a victim to some extent of life's circumstances. I struggle with infertility, but that can be improved (although not solved) with weight loss. My singing career is largely in the control of others, but I can package myself more appealingly. I am in control over only those things which are within my immediate influence such as my weight, appearance, and attitudes. I cannot control others.

WHAT I REALLY WANT OUT OF LIFE
To be with my family, all of us healthy and fit. To live debt-free, and singing and performing as much as I desire.

WHAT ARE MY TRUE SPIRITUAL BELIEFS
I believe in God the Father and in His son, Jesus Christ. I believe that God hears and answers my prayers. I believe that you get what you focus on. I believe in life after death, and that families can be eternal. I believe in a loving and forgiving God. I believe that God directs our paths, but not necessarily in those ways taught in sunday school.

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
My husband and children bring great joy to my life. Singing makes me very happy. Being lean and healthy brings me great satisfaction and pleasure. Being able to meet physical challenges makes me happy. Having money for all of our needs and some of our wants makes me happy. Not having to worry about that money makes me estatic! A full refrigerator and all of our bills paid brings a lot of peace. Cleanliness! Being creative. Having upcoming gigs. Being with friends and laughing.

WHAT MAKES ME SAD
Debt. Being fat. Being unhealthy. Children who are disobedient or disrespectful - and not just my own. Disorganization and mess make me very unhappy. Feeling ugly makes me sad. Not having enough money REALLY makes me sad. I hate to be broke. And I'm sad when I don't have anything on my professional calendar. When things don't work properly.

HOW DO I WISH TO BE?
I wish to be fit and healthy, with work in my professional field and joy in my heart.

THREE UNPLEASANT EVENTS THAT I MOST WISH I COULD CHANGE
Mum dying.

Cathy wigging out and saying ugly things to me just before Travis and I got married.

Encounter with Bishop Johnson.

WHY WERE THEY UNPLEASANT
Mum dying - that's pretty self-explanatory.

Cathy wigging out was just plain ugly and damning. Her words are burned in my memory. It hurt because more than anything, I just wanted her love and acceptance. She told me that she wouldn't stand in the prayer circle, which ended up keeping Dad out too. She told me how much she would resent me if anything went wrong. She told me of her anger that I had found true love. All of those things made me feel awful and guilty.

Bishop said things that were accusatory and completely untrue, based on the words of one other person. When it came to light that this person was wrong, he refused to apologize for his behaviour towards me.

HOW DID I REACT?
Cried.

I was too shocked with Cathy to do anything but listen and blame myself. I haven't forgotten it and even though we are now close and loving, I still remember it with a great deal of pain and distrust.

Again, shocked and did nothing but bend over and take it. Afterwards, I cried a LOT.

WHAT DID I REACT THAT WAY?
I was too scared of Cathy to react differently. I don't bring it up now because it's water under the bridge. I try not to hold a grudge against her. I don't believe that I hold a grudge, but I do have pain in my heart about it.

Felt like I had to take it since he was my bishop, even though he was wrong. I was afraid to correct him. I couldn't even think properly because I was so shocked and confused.

HOW DO I WISH I HAD REACTED?
I wish that I had told Cathy all of those things were HER problem and that she was nuts. I wish that I had told her how hurtful those things were, and that although I could forgive her for the awful things she had done when I was a child, I still had pain and some issues with trust as a result.

I wish that I had told him he was way off base and wanted to have a conference with the person who related the events to him - immediately. I wish that I would have stuck up for myself.

HOW WOULD I REACT TODAY?
Today, I would like to think that I would tell Cathy that she's being hurtful. Then I would tell her it's sad that she felt that way, and would walk out. I'd also tell her to get some help.

I would take my time to assess and address the situation. I wouldn't sit and take it. I would speak my mind and say that it was completely false.

WHAT HAS CHANGED?
My unwillingness to be bulldozed.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM EACH EVENT
Those whom you love can be taken at any time.
Those whom you love can hurt you at their whim, especially if they are not mentally whole or well.
Those in authority positions are just people - not Gods. They make mistakes and misjudgments every day.

WHEN DID I LEARN THOSE THINGS?
After many years of reflection.

THREE MOST PLEASANT EVENTS OF MY LIFE
It's hard for me just to pick three. But right up there would have to be:

A. Kneeling across the altar from Travis, with the realization that as much as I loved him at that moment, my love for him would increase immeasurably from that moment on. I could hardly believe that was possible, because I loved him so much. I was awe-struck and thrilled with that discovery of thought.

B. Introducing Christian to his new baby sister, Jena.

C. The first time I approached the veil.



WHAT MADE THESE PLEASANT
A. The rush and fullness of emotions and love that I felt for Travis culminated in that moment, on that day. We couldn't stop looking into each others eyes as we both wept with joy to be married for all time. In addition, we were surrounded by those whom we loved, and who loved us - seen and unseen. My mother was in that room. Grandparents were in that room. The amount of love was immeasurable, and the Spirit was nearly overbearing.

B. Being together as a family, with our son whom we loved so much, and our daughter for whom we had waited for over ten years. The joy on Christian's face was extremely beautiful, at meeting Jena.

C. I took my endowment on a Tuesday, three days before my marriage to Travis. I felt as prepared as I could be to enter the House of the Lord. I was not expecting any kind of mind-blowing, life-changing supernatural event with regards to my mother. But I was hoping for a spiritually satisfying experience. When it came time to approach the veil, I was alone (other than my escort). That was significant. The view that greeted me as I exited the room to stand at the veil was completely unexpected. As I looked to my left, I thought that I would see a wall - but instead, I saw a long, long row of women dressed in white, working at the veil. Even though it was probably only a couple dozen sisters, they looked like legions of angels to me - all doing the work of the Lord. I was immediately - i m m e d i a t e l y - struck with the knowledge that that was what my mother was doing. She was busy on the errand of the Lord. She was were she was supposed to be. The scene took away my breath with the sudden testimony of the reality of this. I was meant to see that, and it was a gift for me at that time, to understand where she was, and what she was doing. So I would say that being in the temple in a heightened state of spiritual awareness for which I was prepared, is what made this a pleasant event.

WHERE WAS I?
A. In the temple
B. In the hospital
C. In the temple

WHO WAS WITH ME?
A. Travis and extended family and friends. President Kjar. Loved ones who had passed on.
B. Travis, Christian, and Jena. And the God of Love was in that room, too.
C. Temple worker

HOW DID I REACT?
A. Cried
B. Cried
C. Cried


HOW WOULD I REACT TODAY?
A. Cry
B. Cry
C. Cry

WHAT DID I LEARN?
A. That I loved Travis and he loved me, and we were meant to be together forever. I also learned that my love for him was not yet at its peak - that it would grown exponentially from that moment forward.
B. That miracles do happen. That a second child is immediately loved and cherished as much as the first.
C. That my mother had a mission she was fulfilling still. She was happy where she was, and loved me and was so joyous that I was in the temple. That my testimony of the Plan of Salvation was paramount to my spiritual being.

WHEN DID I LEARN THEM?
A. As I knelt and looked into Travis' eyes.
B. When I looked at my family, all together, and saw and felt the love we had for each other.
C. The very moment I looked and saw what seemed like legions of angels, standing at the veil.