Friday, September 5, 2008

Silly head!

Sometimes it's good to have a little something - or someone - remind you of what's really important in life. What is it that truly matters, after all?

I just had a really, really tough day. A tough day that arrived after a very eventful and promising week, however. It snapped me right back into my reality, and that's not exactly my favorite place to be.

There is a long story behind this post, but suffice it to say that those who truly believe in me still do - and those who don't, never really did anyway.

I am meeting with a very important person on Tuesday. This person is one who can connect the career dots for me, and has offered to do it in the next three weeks or so. This is a bit different from previous experiences of mine, where I meet a fantastic person who is nuts about my voice, but unable to connect any of those dots that so desperately need connecting! This person is quite powerful and very well known in the singing circles of NYC. This person flies with the eagles - or rather, teaches said eagles how to soar. It's all incredibly hopeful and entirely, terribly, utterly, and downright exciting! As always though, it costs money.

So one person came forward and offered a smallish amount. Not even enough for two sessions with Very Import Person, but still - better than a poke in the eye, right? I felt very grateful, nonetheless. Then I decided to approach another person who is, quite frankly, a multi-millionaire. This person SWIMS in money. This person offered (almost begrudgingly) the EXACT same paltry amount as the first person (isn't that weird??). Not only that, but Person B (PB) said that I didn't "meet their criteria" for sponsorship (I didn't even asked for sponsorship...just funding of sessions).

Why didn't I qualify? Because PB's help is only for those who

"fit in my sponsorship guidelines ... those who have NO support at all. You have a family. But you are a nice lady and I will give you $X as a gift."

WTF?!! I don't even know entirely what that means! I have support because I have a family....because I'm married with kids? PB must think that my husband and children's emotional support is what disqualifies me, because surely it can't be their nonexistent financial support. It's quite the opposite. My finances go to support my family! And my family's emotional support doesn't support the financial requirements of funding a career, which is why I need help with funding.

And that isn't the whole of it. PB continued to disqualify my VIP's opinion as one who is "desperate" and has "lost all influence". This of course, PB knows from their own unnamed sources.

I know. I'm just rambling. But it hurts. And it pisses me off. You see, I have been passed over for YEARS because I was always

too young for funding
too old for funding
not New Zealand enough
not American enough
sounded too much like a mezzo
sounded too much like a soprano
not short enough
not single enough
And let's not forget my favorite one - I'm too talented for funding. I don't need it, because everything will come too easily for me. I'll be famous without any help, because I'm just SO TALENTED.


Fifteen years later, and I'm left wondering why the money spins around me, but never settles on me. Admittedly, I have a really tough time asking people for money. I know many singers who don't even blink when holding out their hands, but for me it's a different song altogether.

So enough excuses from other people. I can stop being a silly head. I will focus forward and remember what Cathy said to me:

I am good enough. I am talented enough.
I am enough.

Besides, if I listen to the noise, it's really hard to hear the Piper's whispered melody.

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